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TREES will not uproot themselves and embark on blood-soaked killing sprees by 2035, global warming experts have admitted.

The International Panel on Climate Change confirmed the evidence had not been peer-reviewed and will now amend the section of its 2007 report devoted to ‘killer trees’.

A spokesman said: "It appears the claim was not based on new data or field research but on that bit with the angry, talking trees in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.

"We’re reviewing our procedures to determine how it made it into the final draft, though someone should probably have noticed the vivid description of the attack on Saruman’s underground orc factory.

Given that The Telegraph and The Times are on a mission to identify every single example of grey literature in WGII and III so that they can absolutely lose their shit about it, it’s amazing that they missed this one.

The killer tree scandal is the latest embarrassment for the IPCC which has also been forced to withdraw claims that global warming will cause elephants to grow to more than 200ft tall and develop an extra pair of massive tusks after sceptics pointed out it was obviously from Lord of The Rings: The Return of the King.

Oh, when will it all end?

136 Responses to ““Trees will not become unstoppable killing machines, admit climate scientists””

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